Harry Potter: The Cards
by Tammaiya
Summary: *yaoi* This is seriously trippy, people. It involves very weird pairings. It is a series of short humour fics. Confused? Read the foreword. This is Celestina's work.
1. Default Chapter

This is the Harry Potter Card game: us-style. In other words, be afraid. Be VERY afraid. Neko and I have devised a… game. This… game basically consists of us writing scary fanfiction. Scary YAOI fanfiction. Are you disturbed yet? Good, because it gets worse. How it works? We have a deck of old bus tickets with Harry Potter characters. Some are there twice. This is why I got Lucius x Lucius. Two cards are picked at random and you have to pair up whoever you get. (They're all guys, in case you didn't pick that up) Then you get a plot device and a personality from the list. For example: James/Snape. Magical Sex enhancing device. Disgustingly-nice!James.

Then, you get ten minutes to let your diseased imagination run wild. Oh dear me.

So, if you're a homophobe, run screaming for the hills. Or flame us, so we may mock you.

If you have any sanity left? Run screaming for the hills.

But if you're a lunatic, like us- then go forth! Laugh, be squicked, sweatdrop as Celestina worms her way out of gross couples without technically cheating!

Oh, and please review. Tell us what weird minds we fangirls have. It fulfils our sad little lives, if only to laugh at flames.

PS- These are the Celestina ones. 


	2. Cards 1: James & Snape

Couple: James/Snape

Plot Device: Magical Sex-enhancing device

Personality: Disgustingly-nice!James

Right now, I'm glaring at that stupid Potter. The boy is so disgustingly nice! Ugh. And a muggle lover, too. If he had a son, he'd probably name the poor sod something boring, like… like HARRY or something.

Anyway, I don't know what I've done to deserve this. Well, actually- no, stop there. Such thoughts are beneath me, for **=I= **am a SLYTHERIN! AHAHAHAH! Er… Ahem.

Bloody James has been hanging around me all afternoon, being- you guessed it- disgustingly nice. Said his friends were jumping each other's bones. Hah! A likely story! Then again- Remus and Sirius do act kind of odd together. Whichever way, when questioned about rat-boy, he looked decidedly uncomfortable and made some comment about hanging from trees and gently swaying in the breeze. Weird. Don't think I wanna know, this time. But maybe, just maybe, there is hope for this git after all. Join the dark side, Potter… or not. He's being disgustingly nice again. Babbling on, as if I really care about what he's talking about-

WHAT?! Fuck, I really spat my drink out. Did James does say what I thought he did? He looks amused. Bastard- maybe he's not so bad after all. He DID just say he wanted to try out his Magical Sex Enhancing Device with me. Intriguing. Oh, hell, why not?

And that, my friends, is why I jumped James Potter.


	3. Cards 2: Peter & Sirius

Couple: Sirius/Peter (Ew. Rat-boy)

Plot Device: Sexy Dream

Personality: Neko! Sirius (I completely forgot about that bit ^ ^;)

Peter is whimpering in his sleep, wrinkling his nose and pawing at the air like a little rat. Which, I guess, he is in a way. Now he's started moaning. Oh god. That can mean only one of two things- a nightmare, or… yes. Well. Or maybe it can mean both? Ew, wrong!

I know it's mean, Peter's our friend and all, but I really hope he is having a nightmare. The thought of anything else is… squicky. And unfortunately for ME and all my hopes of getting any sleep for the year, he REALLY does not look scared. No I too am whimpering, but out of fear. Should I wake him? He'd kill me, sure, but I think I'm going to have to, to save what little is left of my dubious sanity. Aw, hell. I knew I should have written a will.

"And I, Sirius Black, leave all my porn to Remus-" Hee! The look on his face if that ever happened! Especially when he noticed that they're all guys. Ehehehe! So I'm a lech- it's normal, healthy, teenage boy hormones. Which brings me back to Peter. Ew.

 That's it, I am SO waking him! I don't care if he kills me; this torture is worth than death! Hmm, I sound braver than I feel. Now, time for OPERATION: Wake Peter to commence! Bet you're all surprised I know such big words, huh? Well, I hang around sexy smart Remus, wonderboy James and damn clever Lily, so hah, HAH I TELL YOU! Oh. And Peter, of course.

 So forwards to wake him I go- Oh, NO, he's started panting my name! GROSS. I am SO scarred for life now. But stupidly, I go ahead.

 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear GODS no! He's trying to kiss me in his sleep! Peter germs!

I am not ashamed to say that I shrieked like a little girl and ran around the room wailing about unimaginable horrors. Not surprisingly, I woke Remus. (James and Peter could sleep through the apocalypse) I lay shivering in his arms for awhile, then jumped his bones. Thank god Peter slept on, is all =I= can say.

I am now considering whether or not the result was worth the initial trauma. Looking over at Peter, I shudder. No, nothing is worth that. I can find OTHER reasons to jump super sexy Remus, thanks all the same.


	4. Cards 3: Draco & Dumbledore

Couple: Draco/Dumbledore (Wrong. Really, really disturbing. But thankfully, not quite as bad as Neko's.)

Plot Device: Drag Hilarity

Personality: Submissive/wussy!Draco

I am indeed very hot shit. I have always known this to be true, of course, for =I= am a Malfoy, but now… Sigh. I amaze even myself with my evil genius. This latest plot of darkness has surpassed all the other ones, even the particularly devious Potter-torments. AHAHAH!

But moving on. What have I done that is so very brilliant? I'm glad you asked. This time, I have done my worst- I spiked Dumbledore's tea.

Why are you looking at me like that? Hah, scoff now, but we'll see who gets the last laugh! Me! ME!

This should be good. Crabbe and Goyle kept being weird and gross and making clumsy overtures towards each other, so I sent them away from my shiny pristine self. Honestly, is everyone in this school gay or what? Oh, wait, don't answer. The wonderful me is, so obviously anyone who is anyone must be. Even my dad is, although… you know, I'd rather not go into that- it's slightly scary. My point, however, is that my logic is very insightful and true. Damn I'm fine.

So it's just me and Dumbledore now, and I'm hiding behind his door. Maybe I should have brought a camera for blackmail purposes? Nah, I'd probably get into shitloads of trouble if I tried to pull anything like that. Besides, it's a little too late by this point. I'll remember next time.

But as for what's happening now? Oh. My. Fucking. Lord. This is truly disturbing. That crazy old coot is dressed in women's clothing singing songs like "I Feel Pretty" and, and songs from "The Sound of Music"! The horror! I think my squawk of shock and righteous outrage at his unseemly behaviour (certainly not terror; Malfoys do not GET terrified) has alerted him to my presence. And he's spotted me. Crap. I am officially so screwed.

This is worse than I'd imagined- that pervy old lech is trying to grope me! I'd threaten to tell my dad, only, well, he's a bit of a kinky old bastard and might not see my problem. Like when I walked in on him and Snape playing… er… Scrabble. (I swear I will never think of Snape the same again.)

So, anyway, I was getting seriously freaked. The ugly old man-whore was feeling me up and trying to kiss me! Why wasn't I doing anything to stop him? Ah, I was frozen with fear, that's right. Briefly, I considered running off and crying in Harry's arms like a little sissy, but discounted the thought. Malfoys do not go whimper pathetically in the arms of their archrivals, dammit!

Oh, dear God. He's kissing me, he's actually- I'm getting skeevy, manky old man cooties! EW!

So I kneed him in the balls and ran off to sob in Harry's arms. It was either my dignity or my sanity- and even =I= know when to call it quits.


	5. Cards 4: Lucius & LUCIUS?

Couple: Lucius/Lucius (There were two cards. Don't ask. Just believe me that it's better than Dobby.)

Plot Device: Leather Pants

Personality: Hideous-nerd!Snape

I am not sulking, because Malfoys do not sulk. They don't brood, they don't ponder, and most of all they do not sulk. I've tried to tell my son Draco this multiple times, but he refuses to learn. Just makes some snide comment about "at least I get to screw Harry and you're still pining over Snape so hah!" Have I mentioned how childish my son is? And crude. Very crude, dear Draco.

So here I am. We've concluded that I am indeed not sulking. I am not pining, either, for that matter. I am doing what all Malfoys except my incompetent son do best: hatching evil plots. I haven't come up with a way to incorporate these incredibly tight leather pants yet, but since I got the strangest urge to put them on at great personal hazard, be incorporated they must. When Draco saw the pants, he burst out laughing. That boy needs discipline- I'll talk to his mother about it. Then again, based on the sordid details of the love life he and that Potter boy share (details, might I add, that I had absolutely know desire to learn), he'd probably enjoy such things. Dear me, my son is a deviant nymphomaniac. I should have expected as much. He is, after all, related to me. Severus calls me kinky; I call myself creative.

Speaking of Severus, he is the reason I am spending my time plotting away, and is probably also the indirect cause of the leather pants. I really do think it wise not to delve too deeply into the issue of the pants; I might feel it necessary to question my judgement and sanity, otherwise. The pants in no way signify that I am feeling at all bereft by Severus's absence, because Malfoys, except for my son, do not pine. The pants may somehow reflect the sexual frustration I currently suffer, but no more.

Surprisingly enough, I do actually like Severus. Strictly on my own terms and when I receive some benefit, of course. Right now, however, he was mouldering uselessly away in the dungeons of Hogwarts, making endless potions if I know him. Which I do.

I admire Severus, really I do, but when it comes to potions, he has a tendency to become a hideous nerd. I am sure I don't understand his freakish obsession; while it is a very much Slytherin-influenced art, there ARE limits.

Anyhow. His absence is why I have been reduced to such degrading activities as self-pleasure. I could have had all manner of men in my bed, yes, but think of it my way- how would you like to be touched by some random deatheater? Really, I almost believe them more beast than man.

I'm glad Draco isn't here. I wouldn't be at all astonished if he turned out to be a voyeur as well as a sex-crazed little ferret. I did hear about that ferret incident, coincidentally. Strangely apt, if you ask me.

I'm glad these pants are lace-up at the front; otherwise, I'd never get my hand down there. As my rhythm builds, I begin to moan with gay abandon. Gay- how appropriate. I am firmly under the belief that homosexuality is very much a Malfoy trait. It must be the only one Draco pulls off successfully; that boy can be such a flaming queen sometimes.

As release comes, I cry out and fall limp. Wonderful, I'm a sticky mess. Knowing my luck, Draco will come in and laugh at my pain. Ah, right on cue. Sometimes I am proud of my son.

I hope Severus returns soon. My pride can only take so much, and I don't think a repeat performance comes within the boundaries. And I miss him, too. Not that I'd ever admit it. Malfoys don't do things like that.


End file.
